Is the pool really that shallow?

Well I am a few months and three actual live meetings/dates in and there’s not a lot to say. Of the three guys I have met one as married to his car (not sure if he is actually aware of this), another was a judgemental egotist and one was meh. In fairness I might give meh guy a second chance as first meetings can be stilted, but I don’t think sparks really flew for either of us. The guy who drunk dialed me at midnight never made it to the meeting point.

So, here is a question: can (and should) people over 60 expect sparks?

I would say no given the current state of my dating pool. There are a few men that are interesting but I suspect that their expectations of a woman in their same age group are rather high. Few of us can hike for 5 hours to an elevation of 3000 feet and even fewer want to do that while living on lettuce and lemon water. And, even if we did, the chances of us being able to look like a 20 year old in a g-string when our bodies have been beaten up for the last 40 years are well beyond slim (pun intended).

You see while you were at the gym many of us had a laundry basket on one hip with a toddler on the other and their future sibling sucking our energy dry while comfortably nestled within our pelvis. And, if thats not enough, our weekdays were spent trying to contribute a decent pay check to the household coffers. If you ever wondered what happened to the sweet woman you married (and ultimately divorced), most of you allowed the actual life to be sucked out of her while you were focussed on your abs and next promotion.

That all said, my “relationship’ with my catfish, taught me a few things. I learned that I am not prepared to settle (again). As well, I still have sexual desires. In fact the only “person” who made me fantisize about sex was my catfish. And I learned a ton from that and I will pass it on to all the men out there.

Women are turned on by man who makes us feel wanted. Who will support us in our careers and hobbies. Who jokes about how a relationship is secure when you can fart around each other (or giggle when it happens in bed). Who worries about us and wants to make sure we are safe (my catfish always asked me to call after I took my son out for driving lessons so he knew I got home OK. Note, he knew my son had totalled my car on a lesson.)

Those of us with any depth of character do not care about six pack abs or that you are training to climb Everest. We crave a relationship where the man recognises our needs and desires. Not just in the sack either. We want a man who asks us what we want out of life, brings us flowers for no reason and offers to help with the dishes. In fact that is exactly how my late husband hooked me. I had friend zoned him on the first date, but invited him to come by for liver & onions (hardly the kind of meal intended to entice a man). After dinner I had to run a birthday gift over to the 5 year old kid next door. When I came back, my friend-zoned date was finishing up washing the dishes. That was it, I was in it for the long haul. I will add that he was decent looking, tall and exceptionally smart (invited to join Mensa) but he also had three kids 24/7, and asbergers, so far from perfect. But I married him and stayed by his side while we fought cancer until the fight went out of him. And I would do it again in a heartbeat.

So men, get your shit together. Show us some love and make us really feel that we matter to you. I can guarantee that you will get all that and more in return.

Oh, and drunk dialing at any time is a big no no.

My Catfish is kinda like the Cat that

My catfish is kinda like the cat that keeps coming back (if you haven’t seen this animated gem you really should).

I see that there are text messages asking if I am OK.

Yes I am OK. OK enough that I am not even opening your messages and I have now blocked you on Telegram as well as my phone. I have moved on and you should too. Preferably to a career that does not involve divesting women of their life savings.

I recently listened to most of a Jordan Peterson podcast with Chris Olsen on digital crime (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=29xtZsTwdnM). It is scary, enlightening and I highly recommend anyone even thinking of dating listen to it. One of the things I learned is that a catfish will try to reel you in even months later.

So be vigilant and move on as soon as those red flags start being raised. I know that is my plan and I am sticking to it.

The Catfish will Break your heart and leave you with nothing

Six weeks of communications. I was developing feelings for the person who called and messaged me with great questions, better answers and seemed to be a truly amazing man. He was engaging, considerate, funny, always looking out for my best interests and liked me warts and all (I threw a few warts his way as almost a challenge). He asked me questions about what I wanted from life that made me think and replied with answers that warmed my heart.

But as the red flags added up, I had to face the possibility that he was not real. Oh how I wanted him to be real! My Scandinavian man. Engineer, widower, great father, volunteer with the church, the list goes on.

After he brought up a financial hurdle on the project he was working on I had cut off communications with my catfish. In fact I reported the incident. But, I saw a voice mail from them and when I tried to listen, I accidentally dialed their number. And of course, they called back, three times.

It confirmed my worst fears. I am not dealing with just a bad guy, this is more likely organized crime. He asked for a loan until the hold would be taken off the money advanced to him by a client. (A classic romance scam) I said I could not and would not do that and, that he should talk with his client to rectify the situation. After all, it is their project.

He tried every possible angle to convince me to help him. Luckily I am the single mother of a very pushy teenage boy, so I was ready for the onslaught of guilt ridden reasons that I should help him out of his financial straights.

I hung up and he called back. Twice.

After a few more attempts he told me to “thank you for showing me who you really are”. I think he meant for me to take it as I am a selfish woman for not giving in. But in fact, I would say I showed him that I am a smart and savvy woman who was not taken in.

I am really sad that he was not real. But at least I have my bank account intact and a real understanding of how these guys work and how easy it would be for anyone to be taken in. The fact is that they prey on our kindness and desire to believe them.

Almost like a few politicians I know. But that’s a different blog…

How to hook a catfish

Well, I am a classic target and it looks like I hooked on with my second online connection, so here are some tips. Now, to be clear, it is not just women that need to watch out for catfish, so recognize that I am speaking from my perspective.

First- they love widows. We come with extra trauma and loneliness which can make us more eager to find new love - and if they are a bit younger, all the better. Even better if we were left with children to raise so we have been on our own for a while. Not only does this leave us with no partner it usually means we have not been able to date for a longer period of time so we are naive to the current dating climate. As well, there is always the chance that we were left with $ from life insurance.

Empty nesters - yup, they love that there is no one else to “guard the henhouse” and we are usually feeling a bit more lonely.

Own a house - check.

Older, means if they are in it for the long game, you might not last and they could get all the spoils. We used to call these types “gold diggers”.

Curvy (or hefty) they just luuuuve a woman with low self esteem. We need to recognize that we have been hard on our bodies with things like pregnancy and childbirth over the years and that we should allow ourselves a little extra love and forgiveness. I have some major surgical scars that I am sensitive about. And I am not alone.

For the record, a catfish can hook someone who is very bright. They are quite adept at the psychology of love and using it to slowly reel a mark in.

So stay on your toes and be vigilant. It can be tough to do when you are looking for love and or validation. So be strong, work on yourself and recognize that you are the prize. Take your time to find someone who will love you for you and not your bank account. Because once your bank account is empty, you will be on your own, again. 

Dating a Catfish

First off, Catfish can be extremely dangerous to your finances, identity or safety, so do not seek them out, ever. But, should you accidentally hook one, there are benefits. Just watch for the red flags so you can be sure to cut the line and move on to a better dating pool if you have one hooked.

There are also different kinds of catfish. The tame ones are simply people looking to score a relationship that would normally be above their pay grade. These guys are only robbing you of the time and effort that you are putting into dating.

One of my irreverent notecards (sort of a visual blog)

But there are some who are organized crime and if you hook one of those they are more like a bull shark. Some of these “profiles” will even play on the line for months before you realize they have robbed you of your identity and have their eyes on your life savings. If they haven’t already stolen both.

I am still not sure if the man I hooked is a catfish but the red flags are there. And if he is, he targeted the wrong gal because I have trust issues that would make a prison psychologist proud. And I know one. 

But here’s the thing, I have also benefitted from this “relationship”. He tells me he likes me for who I am. No judgement. He is attentive in our messaging, respects me when I say something he said rubs me wrong or things are moving too fast, and generally makes me feel good about myself. Honestly, the confusing issue for me is the lack of outright love bombs which are the hallmark of romance scammers, which may also mean “he” is playing a longer game.

He has also made me realize that if I do want a partner, I need to make space in my life and my lifestyle. I have now started to purge/curate my home and closet as well as encourage my menagerie to not take over my bed. If all that comes together, I might attempt to get my kitchen to look less like a biohazard waiting to happen before I have anyone over for dinner. I even got a professional haircut for the first time in years.

At the end of the day, this has been a great dry run. I have improved self esteem, a better understanding of what I want from a relationship, what I can offer, and the realization that I need to adjust my life if I want to fit someone into it.

Now, if he is not a catfish, I will have some making up to do. The increase in my sense of self worth has propelled me onto a new dating site with new photos (taken by my 18yo son) and a shorter geographic range.  I am avoiding the old site for now as he told me he was deleting his profile to focus on us and I told him I would hide mine. So, like I said, if he is real, hopefully he will be happy that I would be smart enough to not get taken in by a catfish and yet still give him a chance to prove he is the man he says he is. 

He is “away on business” for the next three months and we have only been communicating online for six weeks. I can hardly be expected to make a lifetime commitment to someone I have yet to meet in person - he lives not far from me but a passport is required and I don’t have one. Honestly, I was not pushing the meetup quickly for my own reasons, but in the future I will insist on video calls and a meet up early on in the communications. This too is part of my learning curve with the new realities of online dating. 

So for now I am still communicating with him, but not exclusively and with extreme caution. The danger is that if he really is the wonderful man he purports to be, I risk losing a partner that could be my perfect bowl of porridge in a goldilocks world. But, if he turns out to be a team of five sociopathic criminals working out of the Congo to relieve a widow of her life savings or worse, I need to protect myself by whatever means necessary.

I am watching for more red flags and getting ready to cut the line. 

The Catfish are Jumping

It is scary out there. Back in the day we would just give a look, smile or make a witty comment if we wanted to catch someone’s eye. Now we need professional photos taken in amazing locations, full on bios and brilliant sound bites. Even better if we have videos of us performing amazing feats in far off lands. Then this must all be incorporated into a well curated profile to put on Bumble, Tinder, Plenty of Fish or any number of websites each claiming to give you the best odds of a match made in heaven in exchange for your credit card number.

Last week I was comparing relationship notes with our local farmers market music man. A few weeks ago I inspired him to write/perform Psycho Bunny, in keeping with one of my notecards, which I expect will never see top ten status but it gave us a good laugh on a rainy day. But I digress (which is my approach to almost any conversation).

See he is in the middle of a divorce and I am dipping my toes into the dating pool for the first time in 20+ years. He has sworn off women. I spent the last 10 years being a single parent and putting aside my desire to have a partner again one day. He hates social media or any platform designed to facilitate relationships (and ultimately tear some apart, but again, I digress).

He is a musician (we all know what that means, right?!) I live on semi rural acreage. So likely he will have numerous opportunities that he will squander, while I am left with my laptop as the only option of finding true love. He will be targeted because he is “cool”, while I am targeted because I am a widow.

Women will flock to him because he is a tortured artist while romance scammers hunt me down as an easy mark. The irony is far from lost on me.

So while he plays his tortured heart out, I am left researching all the latest red flags so I can cull the scammers out of my in box. And believe me with as much as one third of all dating profiles being fake this can keep me on my toes. At this point I am beginning to think that any decent looking man, entrepreneur, world traveller, or frankly maybe anyone who appears to have all their own teeth, is a fake. Also - never date a military man or someone who leaves the country on business.

I am a sapiophile. If you know what that means, drop me a line. (Please.) So one would think this would help me with the cull, but I am afraid it does not. These days those who lurk in the shadows know just where to look to learn everything they need to while their way into a chosen target’s heart. And, they are after much more than a credit card number, they want it all. Often they will play the long game and not break off the relationship for years as long as there is still money to be squeezed out of the hapless victim.

And not all victims are women. My father married a woman who left him as soon as the calendar indicated that the divorce would garner her half of his life savings, house and whatever else she could find of value. On top of that thousands of dollars worth of family heirloom jewellery disappeared from his house when he was hospitalized. Worse yet, she convinced him to pay for her lawyer!

The romance scammers that really scare me though, are the ones that work in teams. They have a significantly unfair advantage. While I might think I am messaging with a decent looking man, who has his shit together and actual braincells between his ears, it is actually a team of sweaty fraudsters with fast fingers and multiple search engines going.

And now there is AI being added to the mix.

I met my late husband online but at this point the odds are definitely against me.

I guess my only option may be to write a hit song with music guy so I can afford a PI. The title? “How to hook a catfish”.