11 years ago today we celebrated our wedding on a Tofino beach. 1 year ago today cancer took you away. The last few years have been a long, tough road. I am sad that you never saw the house that I share with our son, but glad that you did have the chance to stand on this land and see the beauty of it. I think you would be proud of how our son is coping without a father and learning to take on a bigger share of the chores - and there are a lot of them here: he feeds the chickens, the dogs, the kittens and is learning to be a beekeeper as well as doing regular chores like laundry and dishes. I think you would be glad to see that your other boys are growing into independent young men and finding their way in the world. 

I still miss you. Not the man who was fighting for his life and career while sharing in the challenges of raising four boys in a life strewn with chaos and upheaval. 

I so miss the man I fell in love with. Who shared ideas, and hopes, and dreams. Who would sit with me and contemplate both the complexities and simplicities of life with a glass of wine. Who could have a meaningful discourse with me on things he learned in philosophy courses and the writings of so many while we shared lunch. I miss the man I knew before life took its toll.

I remember you telling me that you had a dream where you lived on a small farm. I remember laughing at how impossible that seemed.

Well honey, I am here on the farm. Well, it is almost a farm. The southside is fenced but not cross fenced yet. The greenhouse is built and planting is started but there are still grow beds to prepare. Most of the fruit trees are planted and we have apples coming along. I postponed the sheep and goats until we can get the barn built. We are able to live in 1/3 of the house while we slowly chip away at getting the rest of it finished. I am not complaining, I love being here and being able to sit in the forest or look out to the mountains from the deck. We have chickens and bees, and the dogs think they moved to heaven. 

Considering I am doing it on my own while I work and raise our son, I think I am doing OK. I would love to have it all done by now. In fact I planned on it. But things happen and sometimes there are more sideways steps than forward ones. But that is OK. As long as I get one thing done each day we are moving forward. Today I will get two more grow beds started and move some of my seedlings into them. Then I am going to pour a glass of our favourite wine and watch the sun disappear behind the trees while I contemplate this life. 

And that will be enough.